Psssssst... I recorded an audio version of this pep talk for you. You can listen here.

Hey there,

If I were a political cartoonist, I'd draw the U.S. inside a giant pot being stirred by a outsized stick labeled "misinformation."

Now... who's holding the stick?

I used to think it was the media.
But these days I'm pretty sure it's just people.
Not "bad" people, though. Scared people.

Here's what I mean...

Many people (most people?) seem to worry that changing our mind about something actually changes who we are—our identity. So, to justify our perspective (our identity), we listen for information that confirms what we already believe to be true. We might even share that information as a signal to "our people" that our thinking (our identity) hasn't been corrupted.

You may not know this, but sometimes that information we share simply isn't true. And if someone's brave-dumb enough to offer factual evidence to the contrary, some of us nevertheless defend the hell out of our position because 1) crow tastes shitty and 2) we've conflated what we believe with who we are.

This is wildly problematic, because it's creating an us-versus-them-ness that's not even based in reality.

In fact, we're so focused on positions and perspectives that we're forgetting there are human beings on the "other side" of any argument. And no one—not one single person—is winning. Animosity is. And misanthropy is close behind.

I expressed it this way in the introduction to my not-yet-written book:‍

We’re holding opposite ends of a tug-of-war rope, feet caked with the mud of our own perspective, hands cramped and bloodied from holding the ragged edges of our own opinions, voices hoarse from berating strangers for being… those people.‍

We're in deep, deep trouble.

But we can still turn this thing around.

It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway), that we've gotta start fact-checking our "facts." And it wouldn't hurt to loosen our grip on our worldview, even just a bit, if only so we can listen to understand instead of listening to argue.

Those are big steps to take, though. There's a smaller one, a simpler one, that just might save us faster anyway...

Pep Talk #051: Look for the humans.
In 2016 (just as the presidential race between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was heating up), I wrote a blog post called "A List of People Who are Human Beings in No Particular Order." Here's an excerpt:

A baby taking its first breath.
A momma who chose not to carry her baby to term.
The nurse who assisted with the procedure.
The pastor holding a condemning sign outside the clinic.

An officer killed in the line of duty.
The man who shot him.
A woman killed by a police officer.
The officer who went too far.
Each of their spouses and children and parents.

A young boy and his mother killed by a suicide bomber.
The bomber.
The people who groomed him.
The people who opposed him.
The people who mistake his version of a religion for an entire religion.
The presidential candidate who fuels ignorance and hatred toward that religion.
The people who elevate their religion above all other religions.

People who believe everything they hear.
People who don't believe anything.
People who won't believe what they've not experienced

In the post, I wrote about rich people and gay people, foster parents and social workers, rapists and addicts and pushers. Then I closed with this:

I will not "other" anyone—even people who make my skin crawl, people whom I'd like to punch in the face, people who say things that make me so angry I can't form coherent sentences, people around whom I feel unsafe. Our most significant problem right now is a fundamental lack of empathy. An unwillingness to listen. A refusal to see the world from any perspective but our own.

Horrible, awful things are happening, and terrible, rotten people are leading the way. But they are people nonetheless, and I cannot stomach even one more hate-soaked comment. I'm not saying we don't have shit that needs fixed. I'm not saying no one's been wronged. I'm not saying there isn't a better way.

I'm just asking us to please, please, please look one another in the eye and find something of worth.

I got some criticism for this post. People said it's not my place to suggest folks should see worth in their oppressor, their rapist, the officer who killed their son, their abusive parent, their homophobic neighbor. And they were right: I'm a white, middle-class, cisgender, heterosexual, able-bodied suburbanite. It's all too easy for me to wax philosophical about seeing the humanity in every person. I've rarely had a reason not to.

I acknowledge the messiness in what I'm recommending. The "what abouts" are valid. And still: Looking for the humans, as much as we can, will help us turn toward one another and find potential allies, not enemies. It has to.

If you've gotten this far, I worry you've felt more lectured to than pep talked.

But I really do mean this as a pep talk! When you see the humanity in people, it will turn into hope. And hope can get you through some dark shit.

I see you,
Kelley

P.S. I know some people say hope isn't a strategy. But it's damn-sure better than the alternative.